Divorce and children – easing the pain

Divorce and children- guide in helping your child understand divorce

Divorce is a difficult life changing event for adults, so one can only imagine how it may affect a three year old or younger toddler who cannot actually grasp the concept and feel it may be their own fault that a parent has left and their loss of a family has occurred.  This post affects me personally as I have a 2 1/2 year old little girl who currently is exhibiting anger, aggressive behavior, and attachment to new individuals whom she may happen to meet on a daily life basis due to my separation and impeding divorce from my spouse.  As a mother, my own guilt and fears of, “Am I doing the right things?” or “How can I help my little one feel better, I mean she’s a baby for G-d’s sake, she should not be feeling anxiety, stress, or anger,” keep chirping in my mind.

Just as it may help to talk out your own feelings of divorce and separation, the same may help your little one.  Reassure that the separation is not their fault and both parents love them unconditionally, sometimes not an easy task when crying and repeating, “My dad doesn’t love me anymore.”  As with any pivotal and often traumatic shift in a child’s world, children need guidance through this difficult process.  It’s helpful to maintain normal daily routines with parents and their caregivers (nanny, babysitter, grandma, etc.), particularly regarding activities, sleep and meals, during and after the divorce. Provide your child with his favorite toys or security items, and spend extra time holding him and offering physical comfort.

18 Months to 3 Years

During the toddler years, a child’s main bond is with her parents, so any major disruption in her home life can be difficult for her to accept and comprehend. What’s more, kids this age are self-centered and may think they’ve caused their parents’ breakup. They may cry and want more attention than usual, regress and return to thumb sucking, resist toilet training, have a fear of being abandoned, or have trouble going to sleep or sleeping alone at night.

How to ease the transition: If possible, parents should work together to develop normal, predictable routines that their child can easily follow. It’s also important to spend quality time with your child and offer extra attention, and ask trusted friends and relatives to do the same. Discuss your child’s feelings (if she’s old enough to talk), read books together, and assure her that she’s not responsible for the breakup.

3 to 6 Years

Preschoolers don’t understand the whole notion of divorce and don’t want their parents to separate — no matter how tense the home environment. In fact, divorce is a particularly hard concept for these little “control freaks” to comprehend, because they feel as if they have no power to control the outcome.

Like toddlers, preschoolers believe they are ultimately responsible for their parents’ separation. They may experience uncertain feelings about the future, keep their anger trapped inside, have unpleasant thoughts or ideas, or be plagued by nightmares.

How to ease the transition: Parents should try to handle the divorce in an open, positive manner if possible, as a child this age will reflect his parents’ moods and attitudes. Preschoolers will need someone to talk to and a way to express their feelings. They may respond well to age-appropriate books about the topic. Kids this age also need to feel safe and secure and to know they will continue seeing their noncustodial parent (the one with whom they don’t live on a regular basis). Set up a regular visitation schedule, and make sure it’s adhered to consistently.

6 to 11 Years

If school-age kids have grown up in a nurturing environment, it will be only natural for them to have a fear of being abandoned during a divorce. Younger children — 5- to 8-year-olds, for instance — will not understand the concept of divorce and may feel as if their parents are divorcing them. They may worry about losing their father (if they’re living with their mom) and fantasize that their parents will get back together. In fact, they often believe they can “rescue” their parents’ marriage.

Kids from 8 to 11 may blame one parent for the separation and align themselves with the “good” parent against the “bad.” They may accuse their parents of being mean or selfish and express their anger in various ways: Boys may fight with classmates or lash out against the world, while girls may become anxious, withdrawn, or depressed. Children of either gender may experience upset stomachs or headaches due to stress, or may make up symptoms in order to stay home from school.

How to ease the transition: Elementary-school children can feel extreme loss and rejection during a divorce, but parents can rebuild their child’s sense of security and self-esteem. Start by having each parent spend quality time with the child, urging her to open up about her feelings. Reassure her that neither parent will abandon her, and reiterate that the divorce is not her fault. (Likewise, parents should not blame one another for the split, but explain that it was a mutual decision.) It’s also important to maintain a regular visitation schedule as kids thrive on predictability — particularly during times of turmoil.

Finally, since school, friendships, and extracurricular activities are of increasing importance to kids this age, encourage your child to get involved in events and pastimes she thoroughly enjoys. Help her rekindle her self-esteem, and encourage her to reach out to others and not withdraw from the world.

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Sources: divorcesource.com; American Academy of Pediatrics; American Medical Association

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